Saturday, January 06, 2007

Hang On and Rock the Baby

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:29

I have reached capacity and am heading into overload. I cannot hold one more thought, one more hand, breathe one more prayer. Have you ever felt like that? At that point you either sit down and try to hang on, or you drop everything and lose it. You don't move another step. You're tired.

In Indiana at this time of year it is usually snowy and cold. One year we had an ice storm and it knocked our electricity out for seven days (we were lucky--some people didn't have electricity for two weeks.) We held on with a lot of candles, peanut butter sandwiches,board games and cards, water by the bucketloads from a neighbor with a generator, and a gas log fireplace. I have never felt so grungy in all my life (and desperate for a hot cup of coffee.) You really couldn't go anywhere because the roads were littered with not only ice, but tree limbs (or sometimes whole trees.) We finally got out on the 6th day and were able to get a shower and ate meatloaf and drank coffee at my sister-in-law's. What a gift that was!

But this year it is over 50 degrees and it keeps raining. Our creek in the woods looks like a mighty rushing river instead of a little babbling brook. And our creek feeds into the Mississinewa River. Mississinewa means "laughing waters" in Miami tongue (or so I've been told.) It isn't chuckling anymore. More like a maniacal laugh. The skies are dark nearly every day. Not just dark, but those dreary gray-white skies that can crush the spirit of a sunbeam. (My favorite hymn these days is "Heavenly Sunshine." I sing it, edged with desperation.)

If I look at my own history, I realize that every year in January I get like this. It's like I need to break a pattern--go to some tropical island in January. Do something different. But at this point in my life, this isn't possible. So, it's only taken me nearly half a century, but I guess I need to find something to do about it right HERE. Hmm. I'm going to think about this. I might report back to you.

There have been many moments in my life when I have reached breaking points. Where I'm barely hanging on and one more thing will crush me. It's like a 1000 pounds are sitting on my chest and if a little pebble falls to the pile, that is what will crush the air out of my lungs. Everyone has these times. If you haven't had this happen to you yet, well, you just haven't lived long enough. They have always been serious things, too. Life threatening or grief-stricken. And it's not like I don't dump this stuff at the Lord's feet. I do. As fast as I can carry it there. It's like trying to shovel the walk while the blizzard is still raging.

We all need places to recoup and I just realized that in January, I think I need to carve out a place of "heavenly sunshine" for the entire month. A place to rejuvenate to gear up for the year. Something to look forward to each year. It's knowing yourself and knowing what you need to do to keep yourself moving forward. Breathe in. Breathe out. But do so with "a hope and a future." I'm trying on new hats, trying to find a new outlook for my future.

The sunshine will break through. It always does. I just want to know which hat I'll be wearing when it does.

In memory of firefighter Sidney Hall of Upland, who fought the fire of his friend's house, and lost his life on earth yesterday to wake up in heaven. "a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." (Matthew 12:20)

Continuing gifts list....1000 gifts

313. fixed computer by Tyler
314. fixed MS Word program by Tyler
315. family and friends who were with us on New Year's eve
316. family and friends with us on New Year's day
317. kitty cat who thinks he is ours
318. brief moments of sunshine peeking out
319. breaks in the rain
320. boys who make me laugh
321. tv to enjoy movies with the boys
322. sweatshirts--especially my purple Pike's Market one
323. my friendly neighborhood pharmacist (who has been our friend since HS) who finds just the right thing at just the right price
324. friends who email
325. hot cup of coffee
326. my once-a-year donut with butterscotch icing
327. my January baby, Jordan (the 25th--came on his due date)
328. The History of Matthews and New Cumberland by Pete Mitchener loaned to me by Nila, my neighbor
329. rich history on the river--stories of perseverence and hope
330. Bible verses at just the right time
331. Imy
332. my husband who takes care of us
333. and over 100,000 other people
334. Kim who took a moment to remember
335. Donna who also took a moment
336. my great conversation with Mata--wish we lived closer
337. talking over manuscripts
338. Susan May Warren's notes on writing novels (lots of valuable stuff)
339. pizza.
340. ibuprofen
341. sleep, deep and refreshing
342. people who fight the fires
343. police who take time to soothe a kid who just hit a deer
344. insurance
345. art by son Jared
346. and notes from Max
347. humor from Bryce
348. music from Jordan
349. music from Chris
350. hitting the right notes with my voice the other night
351. caffeine boosts
352. toliets that flush!(sometimes they haven't)
353. Tim fixing our light and fan in the bathroom--looks great
354. people who take time to include me
355. Sabrina sending me guidelines
356. honey-scented lotion
357. the color pink which makes me happy
358. blue jeans that fit and comfort
359. clean surfaces
360. Hugs: Daily Inspirations for Women (Howard Publishing)
361. Tina taking care of my loved ones
362. routines
363. making moments of fun
364. clean, refreshing cold water to drink
365. Lizzie(my Westie) who keeps me going outside
366. Lizzie who adores me even when I'm unadorable
367. Lizzie who thinks she is a big dog and makes me laugh when she chases the deer
368. the red fox I saw in the woods (you don't see that every day!)
369. the tires on the Focus that held on until Mike could fix them yesterday
370. no accidents
371. lives who give
372. friends who keep in touch even when they are overwhelmed
373. friends who let you pray for them
374. Blogger (a fun thing)
375. Imy's pies
376. comics
377. Calvin and Hobbes
378. being able to laugh
379. hope
380. verses in the Bible which speak directly to me
381. my red purse with the heart
382. sunset red lipstick
383. royal blue
384. jean jackets
385. diamonds
386. pens, especially gel pens
387. croissants and roast beef
388. cows
389. bookmarks, especially ones friends and family have given to me
390. creme brulee' ice cream
391. bing cherries from Chili!
392. innovations in growing tomatoes which produced a really good tomato to reach my lips in January
393. lorraine swiss cheese
394. Camy's blog and contest!
395. smiles
396. my pink plates from Aunt Linda (who made them)
397. my Woolrich sherpa-lined jacket
398. no ice outside
399. warm weather for this time of year
400. good L.L. Bean boots for any kind of weather right by the door


Anonymous said...

I love Matthew 11:29, it's one of my favorite verses.

I know what you mean by the 1000 pounds sitting on your chest. I was feeling that way myself not too long ago. And I wanted so badly to just be able to breathe and be without that pebble falling.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way my friend and I'll be praying for you to find relief from your burdens soon. (((hugs)))

Crystal Laine said...

fgift 401. Delia, who leaves notes at just the right time with just the right words and whose blog is a blessing in the universe.

Anonymous said...

I made it on your gifts list!!! Yay!!! Love ya, too, babe.

I forgot to put pizza on my list! I can't believe it.

Croissant and roast beef sounds really good right now.

Notice how I honed in on the food ones????