Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Do you know how it is when you've got lots and lots of people and things going on around you, but you feel desperately like you're out of place?
I've been feeling that a lot lately. Like I shouldn't be here and maybe it was a big mistake to just keep hanging in there. And so sad that I am missing out on lives and things going on. And that I ache all the time for...something...not sure what!
Ok, so I opened a vein here and while I don't know what the road is ahead of me, I took a snapshot of this one moment to remember. It's like a marker.
The above photo is of my grandparents, Roy and Pauline, and my brother and me. We went to one of those photo booths because they wanted photos of us and my parents wanted photos of them and they didn't have a camera. So they jammed into the booth and you can see the sadness on my grandparents' faces. Soon they would leaving to go back to Tennessee and we would be far away from them in Indiana. My grandparents had me for several years as their own, but then my mother got well and took me back--I don't think they ever thought that she would survive. It was a moment I would've forgotten if not for this photo that I have. Well, maybe I would have forgotten it. Maybe not.
This is why I haven't posted lately. I really have been feeling out of place and like I have no purpose. I'm restless and anxious to get going.
Just marking this place so I won't forget.
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Just wanting to let you know I care.
It always takes courage to open a vein and allow others to see our true pain. This picture of yours says so much. So much yearning and love in it. You must miss them terribly. These kind of wrenches never leave us, do they. Blessings and hugs to you. Hold your grandparents close in your heart today. As I'm sure they are still holding you in theirs.
Big hugs to you, dear heart.
Whatever our purpose, whether we fully see and recognize it or not and whether others see it or not, God's purpose prevails. Always. We are His, and it's His life in us.
More big hugs.
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